Goodbye black tar

I think I give up. I need sugar and cream -- or milk -- in my coffee. And that's that.

I tried to be the total con-o-sewer and drink it black. I wanted to like the taste of coffee for what it is. It would streamline my morning, too, not having to fool around with granules, a gallon jug and a spoon.

Its coffee's own fault for getting watered down, though. It teases you into thinking it tastes good.

Stick your nose into a bag of cold, rich beans, and breathe in. Oh, sweet delight! But brew it, or french press it, or drip it, and it's a different story.

Speaking of marriage, my wife scowls at my half-finished mugs with the liquid sitting there, fermenting like motor oil, with hint of aluminum. Meanwhile, my credit card surges with Red Bull purchases.

I love my better half, by the way.

But I hate the bitterness of untreated java. I realize that now. When it gets cold, it's even worse. At least coffee that's been properly sweetened and creamified still tastes consumable when it's lukewarm.

So give me a coffee "regular," as they say in Noo Yawk, and call me a moe if you want. See that gleam in my eye? It's my tummy, giving you the finger.