I have seen the light!

Maybe all it took was starving myself.

I'd been in a funk for a while. Kind of a long slow descent. Not even a descent, really. Just ... BLAH.

I've been pushing myself in all sorts of ways, but the progress was slow and unsatisfying. Worse, I'd become something of an emotional liability to the family. Even in my best moods, I let a lot of the frustration seep through.

So, I basically starved myself. Why? To shake things up, I suppose. I don't know, felt like the thing to do.

Now all the crap's out of my system. I'm eating healthier, drinking less, and learning to let go of stuff. Toying with the idea of giving up one or more of my many jobs (when you're the main breadwinner in a house of seven, a damn terrifying thought) and pouring my energies into writing. Seriously, how much time do I really have?

As soon as I thought about that, I mean really considered where my focus might belong, it hit me. POW.

I saw the end of my story.

It's a long way off, and it'll be hell. But I know where things are going. At least I think I do. Anyway, it feels good. Like I can do it.

ah jesus effin christ...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I really don't.

I feel I'm on a crossroads at so many points... and I don't even know where to begin.

How about the fight I almost got into, walking out of the sushi bar, when some tool commented on my wife's tits? Thankfully I was so drunk, all I could think to do was drop a bunch of f-bombs at his stunned ass... yet right in the middle of downtown Concord. Way to go, family guy.

...and since then, it's been one weird freakout after another. At Joey, for his lack of discrepancy (I mean, geez, the kids' f-in seven years old), and at Marysa, for ordering dish after dish that she can't finish and yet slathers with ketchup so no one else can eat it, either... but so what?

And numerous verbal assaults at Mary, for one thing after another. Seriously, I need a gajillion Hail Marys for this crap...