I want to fly like an eagle, to the sea

This is a whiny post, so please forgive me or ignore it...

I guess it was bound to happen. Today I looked in the mirror and decided, I'm old. Not in grandpa old. But old in the sense that, well, I just don't look the same. To me.

Which is weird because I always felt I looked younger than I was. People told me this for years, in fact. I still get carded about once in a while. And those carnival folks who think they can guess your age within five years? They're never, ever close with me.

But I've come to the decision--ME--that I am not a young person anymore. You know, it's easy to kind of fool yourself into thinking you're not much different than you were in high school. You look at yourself in the mirror day after day, year after year, and you don't see the changes build up. It's self-delusional, perhaps, but effective -- thinking that you're not getting older really helps when you're trying to start something new.

Well now I'm looking in the mirror and I see someone totally different. A sea change, even if I'm the only purpose who notices. And it's tied into the fact that I've missed any chance to play professional sports, become a movie star or sell millions of records -- not that I ever had a chance at these things anyway, but now I KNOW I can't do them because I'm too damn old. I'm even kinda old to be starting a career as a novelist. OK, not really, I guess... But most of 'em seem to have started earlier than than I am.

About the only new careers I'd be young at is politics or bathroom attendant. Don't know what more to say about that.

Anyway I'm 43 years old and I have a full head of hair and three gray hairs -- not counting the ones in my beard, which purposefully hides my small chin and keeps me (I hoped) from looking younger than I really am. But now my head and face is fatter and my eyes are noticeably heavier. The crows feet have grown into crows legs. And there are new lines and dryness on my face where neither existed before. The whites of my eyes will never be totally white again.

Physically, I've felt older than my face for some time. Remember those days where you could just, you know, break into a full sprint at the drop of a hat? Totally fucking gone.

Which is probably the saddest part of this whole state of affairs, especially for a guy. Losing the ability to make a break for it.